Being single doesn’t mean that you know nothing about love. Sometimes being solo is wiser than being in a false relationship. If you’re single, focus on being a better you instead of looking for someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next. We all have heard or read this before; while to a reasonable extent this may be true, at the same time, in many ways, it is also not completely true. I will tell you why!
The above phrase is normally used only to satisfy yourself, and/or boost your self-esteem after a breakup. But how far is it practical? I am a single dog mom. I know a lot about love. And I also know it is wiser to stay single instead of being in a toxic relationship. But somewhere, and just sometimes I crave for a partner. If nothing, then at the very least to just be comfortable at home and share a cup of tea with when it is raining outside. Most of the times, it is the little and small moments that counts. Human tendency is to look at the bigger picture of a relationship and the vast majority do not necessarily realize that you do not need a partner to just buy you things or take you shopping or out for dinners. Even small achievements or episodes, when shared with your partner can bring greater joy and comfort than anything else. Sometimes, when Junior is unwell, and I am panicking, I need someone to just comfort me, and assure me that everything will be alright.
Going back to the first statement. Post separation, I worked a lot on myself. And to a fairly large extent I succeeded too! But there was a void within me; a craving just to be held, to be understood, to be loved. And I didn’t know, subconsciously I had created a desperation. I was single for pretty long, and in my late 30s. In this time, I always felt “oh he is the one” for the guys that I met. And in the desperation that I had subconsciously created, I ignored all the red flags, thinking no man is perfect. Unknowingly, I became a part of a toxic relationship. It is very easy to say a better you will attract a better next. But it is not true. No matter how much you better yourself, the fact is that you have no control over others. You can become increasingly aware of your own flaws and try to better yourself, but, there is no guarantee that you will attract a good person only. Just when you have bettered yourself and unfortunately your desperation has attracted a toxic partner, all your hard work goes down the drain and you have to start over again.
The problem is, all relationships are like a colourful rainbow in the beginning. No matter how much ever careful you are in choosing your partner, after sometime, the person starts showing their real self, followed by inconsistency and uncertainty. Eventually you realize you are back to square one and console yourself to be strong, start bettering yourself and wait for the next. All this each time takes a big toll. And after each break up, I have realized two things:
- Give your relationship atleast 6-8 months before taking a big plunge or involving yourself mentally (normally, a person starts showing their real self within 3-6 months)
- Never be with anyone if you are not celebrated. By that I mean, if your partner doesn’t feel blessed to have you, leave that very moment; no matter how much it hurts
Now, this will not be true for everyone. I know some who have stayed single all their lives after a bad breakup. I also know some who committed on the first date and are celebrating 15 years of marriage now. I know some who dated for 10 years or more and got divorced after the first year of marriage. Bottom-line is, you can only better yourself, but cannot expect to attract a better next. We have no control over others and we cannot force anyone to like us.
For me, yes I believe life cannot be spent alone. And maybe one day I will share the good news with you’ll that I found my life partner. After recognizing the red flags in the past relationships, I studied a lot about my ignorance and why I tolerated being an option or taken for granted. And that’s when I came to a conclusion that I will better myself for myself, not to attract another person. So that now I know what I do NOT want in a relationship. There is a very big difference between happiness and settling. And what I did was “I had settled”. In my desperation and fear of not finding anyone else, I got carried away by the initial vowing stage. Meeting every day, dates, false commitment, empty promises. And after a few months, the true character came out followed by inconsistency and uncertainty. And in the process of adjusting to your partner’s changing behavior, my soul was crushed and it took a big toll on me.
I now have a good knowledge of what I do not want in a partner and in a relationship. The most important thing is not to be an option and never be taken for granted. Leave when I see the first major red flag, and never fall victim of the initial vowing stage. Be patient before involving your heart and save yourself the horror of the recovery process from a breakup. After all, thanks to the past men in my life and the experiences I got, I learnt an immeasurable amount of self-worth, self-love and what a relationship should be like. I am my biggest responsibility, and will not fail myself. I am bettering myself for ME.
In the meantime, I will enjoy my little moments with Junior. My hot cup of ginger tea, rains, pakoras and Junior lying next me. My small achievements, I will celebrate by giving Junior a treat. I do not have to share my space with anyone 😉 I can dress up ugly and stay that way all day 😆 There is a lot of mental peace in being single than worrying each day about where do you stand in a person’s life. And I will choose this peace now over and over again till someone with a strong will and genuine heart comes along. The single lifestyle in itself is a celebration and not a funeral. Because it was through being single when I learnt to fall utterly, head-over-heels in love with myself. There is value in both, having your significant other and being your own significant other. And I have learnt the value both. Also, I will be with someone who will even celebrate Junior and not just me. After all, there is no happiness without my baby.